Some Underground

2012-03-02T09:01:00.000+10:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit! I may have joined a dating site for kicks and then met all these amazing people that I'm going to hang out with on the weekend. This week I got hired, my car broke down and I cut my fringe too short. Here's a quiz.

It’s night right now.

There’s something else you should be doing at the moment.
You ate chicken today.

There’s a nearby TV on.
You get along with your neighbours.
Twilight is a horrible series.
You’re hungry right now.
You have worked out today.
Running a mile sounds awful.
You have a job.
Your parents are still together.
You woke up before 11 this morning.
Baths are better than showers.
You are 5’5” or shorter.
You hate British accents.
The 60’s sucked.
Your favorite color is either blue or purple
Your hair is short.
You are by yourself right now.
You’re in your PJ’s right now.
Your hair color is natural.
You don’t drink soda.
It’s cold out.
Orange juice is better than apple juice.
Video games are awesome.
You have read works by Shakespeare before.
You’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder.
You know someone in the hospital right now.
You know someone who has beaten cancer.
Sneakers are your favorite shoes to wear.
Chocolate is better than vanilla.
You’re allergic to peanuts.
You’ve never been to New York City.
You want to go to Europe.
You’re using a laptop right now.
Plastic surgery is a good idea.
Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear.
You’ve made yourself throw up.
You’ve cheated on someone before.
Your friends do drugs.
Your nails have nail polish on them right now.
You’re Italian.
You have a tan right now.
You’ve been on a diet before.
There are socks on your feet right now.
Cheesecake is delicious.
You have gotten your hair cut in the past month.
Your birthday is within the next 2 months.
You’ve been rejected.
Comedies are better than action films.
You are fluent in more than one language.
You like Asian food.
You consider yourself a picky eater.
You have more than 3 pillows on your bed.
You live with at least one parent.
You’re happy right now.
You are a high school graduate.
You have a pet.
You were born before April 5th, 1991.
Pugs are cute.
You have brown hair.
You are in a relationship.
You can count to 20 in another language.
You have studied a foreign language.
You have worked in a fast food restaurant.
You drove somewhere that was further than a half hour away today.
You live in New Jersey.
Your last name begins with an ‘M’
Your first name begins with an ‘S’.
You are an only child.
You have more than one sibling.
You are a vegetarian.
You have a gym membership.
You are in the military.
You have a relative in the military.
You have been to Europe.
You are currently enrolled in college/university.
You have done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
You have braces.
You wear contact lenses.
You have a tattoo.
You have a lip piercing.
You have a tongue piercing.
You have your nipples pierced.
You have curly hair.
You are engaged.
You are married.
You have children.
You are an aunt or uncle.
Your bedroom walls are blue.
Your bedspread is red.
Your bedroom carpet is beige.
You have been out to eat at a sit-down restaurant in the last week.
You have been drunk in the past 24 hours.
You are bisexual.
You watch Scrubs.
You watch American Idol.
You have been to the movies within the last month.
You have cursed in front of your grandparents.
You had a lunch box with a cartoon character on it when you were little.
You actually pay attention to politics.
You have kissed someone within the last week.
You have kissed three or more people this year.
You were told you looked cute today.
You were hugged today.
Your best friend is the opposite sex.
You are a good speller.
You are always on time.
You have done something illegal within the last 24 hours.
You have ridden an elevator within the last 3 days.
You have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks.
You have been out of the country within the last year.
You love Mexican food.
You love country music.
You love hip hop.
You love punk rock.
You love hard rock.
You love metal.
You love classic rock.
You love techno.
You love instrumental music.
You know someone younger than 10 who passed away.
You have taken pictures of yourself just because you were bored.
You have been in a car wreck.
You have had stitches.
You have a savings account
You are Catholic
You are Mormon.
You are Buddhist.
You are Agnostic.
You wish at 11:11.
You have had your heart broken.
You broke someone else’s heart.
You felt bad about it.
You have an Uncle Bill.
You know a Danielle.
You have hugged a Tiffany.
You have kissed a Blake.
You have had class with a David.
You have been neighbors with a Hannah.
You have done something just for the fact that you were old enough to.
You have been to a cemetery at midnight.
You have been a vampire for Halloween.
You have been a pumpkin for Halloween.
You have stayed up for 48 hours straight.
You own a cowboy hat.
You own a leather coat.
You are missing someone right now.
You have been let down recently.
You have had someone you thought you could trust betray you.
You would rather have a one-night stand than a relationship.
You have met someone famous.

22-02-12

2012-02-22T16:28:00.001+10:00

Necklace from In Most Light, skirt thrifted in Toowoomba, flats by Wittner

I've been reading about how routines are used in the treatment of depression and last night I created one for myself. It's simple at this stage - specific times have been designated to wake up, go to bed and eat meals. I'm trying it out for a week to see if it improves my mood and if I like it, I'll start incorporating regular activities too. Just a moment ago I received one of the reminders that I'd set in my phone and the alert tone was so friendly - it felt nice.

19-02-12

2012-02-19T16:03:00.003+10:00

Velvet Underground screenprinted tee

18-02-12

2012-02-18T22:27:00.000+10:00

Tintin picnic at The Powerhouse: vintage jacket, Miss Shop shorts, Wittner flats and an ASOS satchel

Psychology Ramble: Feeling Whole

2012-02-18T00:42:00.000+10:00

I feel so very content. After being out on the town tonight, I walked in the front door and felt like everything was alright. I've reconnected with lots of friends lately and things are kind of incredible. Nothing else in my life is really sorted, I mean I have so many things to list on Etsy from the last few MONTHS, my room still gets messy within a day of cleaning it, I haven't done any art since graduating... but I hardly even care. I just feel so ok. I've always felt that I was missing a part of myself. I thought perhaps someone else had my other half and that if only I could meet them, we'd keep each other on track and never be lonely, but in the past couple of months I may actually have become my own best friend. Which of course is what I knew was the more sensible, healthy alternative but I don't think I ever fully believed I had it in me, nor that it could be so quick to surface. I'm really enjoying me right now and it makes catching up with other people so much more enjoyable too. Before it was even a bit painful - never quite satisfying - I guess because I was trying to fill a void. Whoa new revelations still flooding in. How brilliant.

Recently I'd been thinking intensely about behaviour - whether you can change the way you react to situations, whether confidence can be learned, etc. I know people preach about the power of positive thinking, which as a slogan gives me the shits because to be breaking it down on your own and contemplating how deeply ingrained your responses really are, it seems a little impossible that self talk can have much of an effect. But for me it got to the point where I had to try something because things were getting worse. With the exception of social anxiety which is something I'm still working at, every fear has just been this wall that after an initial moment of discomfort, has broken down very quickly. It started with my height and feeling so awkwardly out of place - I bought a pair of platforms and far more rapidly than anticipated, my attitude changed. The next thing was this icky feeling I get when I feel like people are looking at me - so whenever I got the creeps, I'd check to see if someone was staring. It was a very rare occasion that I caught anyone out - and furthermore, when I did, I felt assertive - like I was taking control of my body again. I think that this feeling I have now of being more whole was a similar process - just remembering to look out for myself whenever I could until it started becoming more than 'a different perspective'.

Also guess what, I'm taking less medication than usual. It's been over a month since my doctor and I started reducing the dose. I think that being nice to myself and getting away from the stress of uni is going really well. This is a lot of information. I think that if you didn't know me previously, you might today. It's nice to meet you. That's everything in my head at this moment.

xo Kat

Best Dollar I Ever Spent

2012-02-17T14:52:00.000+10:00

Mum and I went op shopping in Toowoomba yesterday (yes, she's awesome like that). The last place we stopped at was my favourite. It was full of trinkets and antique furniture and run by the coolest oldies I've seen in a long time. I picked up The Dave Clark Five record because the name was super familiar. When I asked what songs I might know this ponytailed, 70 year old man laughed and was all, "oh they're way before your time". Then the lady behind the counter said I could play it in the store to see if I liked it! And oh my god yes. THEN IT ONLY COST ME A DOLLAR.

Ugh

2012-02-15T14:31:00.000+10:00

I feel ill. Hot and cold, sick. I had a horrible dream last night where I had a crush on a boy and then he held me close but later I found out my Friend Monica Geller had put him up to it and he actually liked her, not me. Also I kept morphing into a hermaphrodite - for the second time during a dream this month. What is going on with that?

Loved Housemates

2012-02-14T11:26:00.002+10:00

We're going to have a sleepover and watch movies and eat chocolate!

11-02-12

2012-02-11T21:42:00.003+10:00

Vero Moda top, handmade skirt, House of Holland for Pretty Polly tights

This afternoon I finished making a half circle skirt. I really like sewing because it focuses me in the way that art does but at the end I get to wear my creation! This skirt turned out quite well but after wearing it today I noticed that the fabric's not quite right - it creases really easily - so I'll redo it.

My spine is all kinds of messed up.

2012-02-09T16:09:00.000+10:00

I just got back from my Chiropractor's appointment. I'm going to be really poor for the next 3 months while I pay for someone to fix me. This makes me sad - but I'm more scared of progressing to full on hunchback status. I cried in the doctor's office when I saw what a normal neck was supposed to look like compared to mine, and it explains why I'm constantly in pain. Will just go die now....

In the process of mentally preparing for a lifestyle shift (budgeting).

At least I have lots of projects to work on and am in the right frame of mind to get them started. This will keep me busy and out of trouble for a while. Also, I have lots of pretty clothes so I don't need to go shopping any time soon.

Dammit 10-year-old-self, why did you ever think it was cool to slouch?

I'm home!! This is exciting because there are no bugs.

2012-02-08T22:29:00.002+10:00

04-02-12

2012-02-04T19:25:00.000+10:00

ASOS hanging crosses 'headband' (now £3.00), Wittner Pear flats,

Cotton On shirt, Valleygirl skirt

I found a path down to the creek bed near my house! In other news, the ballet flats I posted about earlier have been absolutely divine to wear so everything is right with the world. I love that clothes can do that.

I'm going to 'head out west' to Roma with my Mum tomorrow to help my grandpa clean up after the floods. I haven't met him since I was quite young but I've heard he's a pretty unique character so at very least, I'm sure to be entertained. I'll take my camera with me and try to find some horses for you.

PS: Oh my god it's February.

Quiz

2012-02-03T22:34:00.000+10:00

1. find the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find the fourth sentence. write down what it says.

"Henry was no exception, and in spite of the apparent rigor of his definitions and of the scientific language in which they are expressed, his work bears little evidence of scientific objectivity"

2. stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what do you touch first?

A clothes horse

3. what is the last thing you watched on tele?

Shakespeare in Love

4. without looking, guess what time it is.

9:04

5. now look at the clock. what is the actual time?

9:18

6. with the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

TV, fan, Tamara, Taj's bell, car

7. when did you last step outside? what were you doing?

This afternoon I moved my car out of the rain

8. what are you wearing?

Thrifted men's shirt, ex boyfriend's trousers

9. did you dream last night?

I do not remember

10. when did you last laugh?

While making dinner

11. what is on the walls of the room you are in?

My painting and three photo prints, painting prints of wine, a GoMA calendar from 2008, a landscape painting that was here when we moved in.

12. seen anything weird lately?

A decomposing rat

13. what do you think of this quiz?

14. what is the last film you saw?

Taxi Driver

15. if you became a multi-millionaire overnight what would you buy first?

A 65 Shelby Mustang GT350

16. if you could change one thing about the world regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Everyone would find respect for the earth.

17. do you like to dance?

Only to the right music

18. imagine your first child is a girl? what do you call her?

19. would you ever consider living abroad?

London most of all

discovered via My Dear Watson

Your pedal extremities are a bit obnoxious.

2012-02-02T22:54:00.000+10:00

For years I have searched for the perfect pair of flats. My criteria was always simple - black leather, no decoration, rounded toe - the tricky part was finding something that fit. I have very long, narrow feet so I tend to leave shoes behind when I walk... just completely slip out of them. But the search may be over because this pair stayed put.

The largest size was a 41 so I got that. I can feel a bit of pressure on my big toe but I was advised by a girl instore that her pair stretched a little here so fingers crossed mine will too. They're super comfy otherwise - the leather is really soft and there's a padded insole. My advice for owners of similar feet, is to head to Wittner, or otherwise find a scrunchy style like this because it hugs your foot!

Also I think you should watch this amazing video.

01/02/12 (A,B)

2012-02-01T23:08:00.000+10:00

(A) ASOS dress, denim shirt gifted

(B) Topshop shirt, Myer denim shorts

I went adventuring (Fig. A) and swimming (Fig. B). My wanderings led me to someone's hideout - evidenced by two abandoned bottles of V. I tried aqua aerobics with my housemates later in the afternoon. Mostly this was just funny - very little body toning occured. Today actually started in drama disaster (NB: little sleep) but managed to turn itself around completely.

P.W.Rankin

2012-01-31T20:55:00.000+10:00

At my graduation show in a vintage dress. Paul's latest roll of film is particularly beautiful.

Growing Up

2012-01-29T01:06:00.001+10:00

I really should update more. I've been wearing lots of pretty things and doing fun stuff but I haven't taken pictures. I can't blame this entirely on my camera. It's a bit of laziness and a bit of habit too. Today for instance, I had a tea party with two of my friends and we were all dressed up, yet I got so carried away with baking and talking that I forgot to take snapshots. I think I was also too bashful to be like, "I blog now, do you want to be in the pictures?". It's funny how easy it is to act like nothing about yourself has changed when you see people who you knew best in a different era.

This is making me think of other things.

So this year off, where I'm dedicated to whatever it is that I'm about... hasn't really started at all. I've just been watching seasons of TV shows and not thinking. I figured this phase was natural but would be over by now and I'd be well into the nitty gritty of self discovery. I do think it's starting to start. Maybe. I actually pulled a fashion marketing book off my shelf today - because apparently I read textbooks for fun.

It was good seeing my old friends again because we got talking about this kind of stuff and they told me they didn't know what they were doing either. It's such a comforting thing to hear when all you tend to get fed are stories about happily married people who graduated two years after you in school and have their own cosmetic companies.

Baz Luhrmann once said, "Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t." The people I most like to surround myself with are thinkers and we're all still floundering about.

Capalaba

2012-01-24T18:07:00.000+10:00

So my camera can still take a decent picture but I don't have much in the way of a viewfinder. I went to Capalaba the other day to get a repair quote and decided that my money would be better spent on a new one. An upside to my trip was finding a million opshops! There wasn't anything super exciting in terms of retro clothing at Capalaba but the vintage influence in this Target dress made up for it. I like it a lot - the fabric is beautiful and the cut is very flattering The coat rack it's on is a new addition to my collection too! I've always wanted one and snatched it off the floor before it had even been cleaned and tagged. Super lucky. I also found a sewing book and a vintage sailor-style pattern from the 60s!!

What's New

2012-01-23T19:13:00.001+10:00

I broke my camera.

I got an iPhone - it is amazing.

I went garage sailing on the weekend and a beautiful lady sold me a desk.

I updated our living room.

I was given a ticket to see Moriarty the other night and they returned me a piece of my soul. I spent a lot of the performance in my head - thinking about the words and the people they reminded me of, about the French people on stage in front of me - picturing the way they might move when they were alone, I closed my eyes and let the music engulf me.

Cookie in My Typewriter

2012-01-10T01:56:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking a lot about people and how very out of practise I am at talking to those I don't know like the back of my hand. I've never been particularly adept at social interaction but I don't think I was ever this bad. With a boyfriend - particularly one you've known for years - you can get away with keeping to yourself in class, and looking at your feet when you walk down the street. There's always someone you can call on later and talk to about the tuna fish sandwich you made for lunch (I made a tuna fish sandwich for lunch). I've not felt truly lonely for a long time and consequently I haven't made an effort. When we were breaking up, I knew what I was creating for myself - a deep and empty vacuum that I had work to avoid falling into. So since then, when any opportunity for interaction has presented itself (no matter how scary), I've said, 'yes'. At this point my social anxiety is still severe but, at very least, I'm getting better at throwing myself in the deep end.

Today I caught up with a boy I'd met four years earlier in a bar. We got in contact again when I received a mystery text on NYE from an unknown number. The message was an invitation to a party and an adventure. As I tried to figure out who the message might be from, I realised I was in direct contact with my inner child - a side of me that long ago gave way to its parent. The whim of a stranger led me to find something hidden within myself (seems suspiciously like a hint from the universe). I ended up going to the party, but we only met today - the stranger is now someone I know a little better.

PS: So many cookies lost today. Let us mourn the fallen.

05-01-12

2012-01-05T18:16:00.002+10:00

ASOS Mens jumper, Oasis shorts, Hansel from Basel tights

Found a gorgeous hairdressing salon near home called Wearable Art. It was Amanda who delivered the zhush. This is what I originally had in mind for my previous haircut - but the Stefans witch that did it then was horrid and tried to make it as conventional as she could. The lines were all wrong and she wouldn't cut my long side any shorter because, 'it would look like a mistake' - I kept telling her I liked it that way.

2011

2012-01-04T14:29:00.000+10:00

Big Things:
- Moved into a beautiful house.
- Got a degree.
- Realised I'm more interested in fashion than art.
- Met some really nice new friends.
- Gained weight. Started Exercising. Am officially an adult now.
- Opened my Etsy store. People actually bought things from me! What?
- Broke up with my best friend (trying not to think about that one too much just yet).
- Discovered the vegetarian supreme pizza at Crust.
- Started blogging which is something I never thought I'd do even though it's totally fun and I probably needed to engage in some narcissistic activity.
- Got seriously into TV series (plural).

Personal Development:
- Realised that it feels really nice to spend money on my dog and on presents and the house (note: Ikea).
- Started to kick some deeply ingrained habits that are holding me back.
- I got over my fear of heights - by which I mean the fact that I'm so tall. In a rebellion against my brain I bought the first pair of platforms I've owned since the 90s.
- moved on from severe academic mediocrity and back into the top 5% (+ GAS awards) at art school.

Fashion Lessons:
- Don't buy shoes that are too small or have slippery soles.
- Avoid short skirts and short shorts.
- In an outfit I most enjoy a balance of masculinity and femininity.

Fried My Little Brains

2012-01-03T22:11:00.001+10:00

My pretties came in the mail today! If my christmas errands this year proved anything, it was that I much prefer online shopping. And ASOS is my absolute faaavourite - there are so many quirky gems hidden in there! I really like that they model on... well, models. I'm as tall as the girls on the site so I can see when dresses are too short for me. And there are videos of the clothes too! Often they team dresses with stockings so you can suss ot the cling factor. This sounds like an ad. I guess in a way it is. I just think they're doing everything right. Customer service and returns procedure is also ace by the way.

House of Holland for Pretty Polly (now out of stock but available at other sites).

ASOS Bird Print Blouse

T-shirt dress by Heikki Salonen for ASOS

Distraction Fashioned in Symmetry

2012-01-03T03:02:00.002+10:00

Emotional thunderstorms: Dad + (ex) Boyfriend + Housemate friend = All the men in my life. Moon?

Resolve

2012-01-03T02:09:00.002+10:00

I'm really into resolutions (especially New Year's). I love the way my brain can section off spaces in time and find energy in a fresh start. But this year I'm entirely behind - 3 days in and my 365 journal is still blank. I've been sifting through my collection of papers and lists from last year in order to figure out what I want to make of this one. Things are starting to become clear even though I haven't finished. Some of these scraps of writing have parts of me in them - the real me who isn't exhausted and sort of sad. I was impressed by my curious presence, left behind as a trace. My resolution is to nurture these sporadic apparitions of self/ identity and entice them to stay a little longer. I want to be the best me I can be.

Below are some shots of my Bible. I made this book at the end of last year and it's full of images and words that make sparks fly about in my brain. I know it will keep me on track - usually it sits on my bedside table but I think I should sew it a pocket in my bag.

31-12-11

2012-01-01T19:24:00.000+10:00

Thrifted jacket, Topshop jeans, Docs, ASOS headscarf

28-12-11

2011-12-28T15:46:00.003+10:00

Thrifted shirt, Oasis shorts, ASOS satchel, ZU sandals, Bonlook J'adore sunnies
necklace from In Most Light

This was my Max Brenner brunch outfit. I'm so very summer today - I even sat under a palm tree. Usually I try to pretend spring doesn't end by staying in jeans... and air conditioning, but it was time to confront the hot weather.

After eating lots of chocolate, my friend and I wandered over to the beach where she exclaimed, "it's such a lovely day". To which I said, "well, it's sunny". At this point the sun actually came out from behind a cloud. "Too sunny?" "Yes, let's go shopping."

Midnight Mail

2011-12-25T00:37:00.002+10:00

I made some Christmas cards for my elderly neighbours, because they're lovely.

I think the scraps look pretty too. Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T17:21:00.000+10:00

It's a real live christmas tree! We had 20 candy canes but I ate most of them.

23-12-11

2011-12-23T18:50:00.001+10:00

ASOS plaid jumper, Cotton On skirt, Dr Marten's boots via ASOS, ripped tights

In a very good mood today. Soundtrack: 60s soul. It's 24 hour shopping tonight! I love being able to go whenever I want. It's probably why I shop online so much - 3am is just as good a time as any to lurk about a store, staring at dresses. That and there aren't any mean salespeople online... and I don't have to deal with teams of walkway dawdlers... and it's easier to find interesting things...

22-12-11

2011-12-23T00:55:00.000+10:00

Thrifted Sheer Polkadot Shirt, Grab Jeans, Target Wedges, Necklace from In Most Light

I graduated from uni the other day! Life since the end of semester has been very... irregular. Mostly I've just been trying to calm down and recharge my depleted energy supplies but I also have to start developing my own routine. I went through a phase where I was up before 9 every day but at the moment it's more like, wake up in the morning and then fall asleep till the afternoon. I keep getting these late night surges of magic though and they're too good to give up. I've had two major revelations during these hours this week. Yet sleeping in doesn't do wonders for your day-to-day momentum, hence life and blog irregularity. My plan is to make a plan, I've taken a year off just for me, where I can try out all the things I've never had the time/ space to focus on. Not quite a creative powerhouse yet - I'm looking forward to being ready for that, but right now it's all about my brain. On that note, I'm not even fully settled into my new place. I feel like I just want to hide away until I'm me again. And I wish I could telepathically communicate with my housemates, 'please hold out, I'll be WITH YOU soon' in a way that they would understand. Sadly people haven't the endless reserves of patience that I'd design in a world of my own... so I do the best I can in the meantime. Ugh yes this is so exactly everything I'm feeling.

Oh this is so very much what I want for christmas.

2011-12-22T01:42:00.001+10:00

Native Union Red Pop Phone - ASOS

Pop Phone by Native Union. Featuring a modern reinterpretation of the classic 1950s Bakerlite phone with a 3.5mm jack making it compatible with the iPhone and USB adapter offering excellent sound quality and reduced radiation.

Up And Down So Often

2011-12-19T23:07:00.001+10:00

This is a time unprecedented in character. I don't know what to expect, or do. I am excited suddenly but just as easily prone to nothingness. It is not enough to make a decision. One must maintain dedication and force epiphanies to manifest regularly. I expect my wall should become littered with reminders. I forget so much each morning.

Ikea

2011-12-15T16:46:00.001+10:00

I went to Ikea for the first time the other day. It was amazing. The best part was when I found someone's old shopping list in one of the display laundry baskets. I'm not sure if I was supposed to touch things but I did. It felt so strange to walk through the living rooms of fake families. Perhaps everyone else just looked at the showrooms as they were intended to be seen but I enjoyed the eeriness. I also realised that I want to succeed in the system of capitalism so that I can earn good money and spend it in Ikea. But this time I was on a budget so I restrained myself to a just few goodies. I bought some things to bake with - couldn't resist the cookie cutter set with a moose in it, and I also picked up a lamp and some laundry baskets.

Etsy - Trial and Error

2011-12-14T17:25:00.000+10:00

So I've got this issue regarding photos for Etsy. I want to shoot in a well lit area so I don't have to fix so much in photoshop, but the only place where I can find some flattering light is here, on our garden path. All well and good, but the foliage is so crazy that it distracts the eye - particularly in thumbnails. I'm considering buying a screen but - like a wall - my camera wouldn't have anything to focus on when I set the timer. This takes me back to getting really frustrated by the entire process and resenting my project. I don't know why I'm writing this on the internet, but I DO know that I like my face in these pictures, which makes me feel good. This is what I see most of the time when I look in the mirror, but in pictures I have a habit of turning out all gross and I wonder if that's what other people see when they look at me.

Dead Girl

2011-12-13T01:21:00.001+10:00

“How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” –Trina Paulus

So much of my life has been about just getting through to the next point. Now that I've come to the end of my map, I feel that I've got room to breathe. With each day that passes, a long repressed energy grows, and it encourages me to become the person I am at my core. I've been floundering about for the last few weeks. I haven't felt strong enough to face myself so I've avoided opening up to the change. But now I'm ready, and I can say this because I have begun.

I've decided to align myself with the moon, and the lunar eclipse on Saturday night was an especially magical event. As a marker of a life-defining shift, the moon now ties me to the world in a way that heretofore I've never experienced. I have the kind of personality that wants to seek out structure and reason, and yet I've never been inclined to invest in an established religion. So perhaps the only useful guide for me could ever be the one I create for myself. This is what I'm working on and it has a code of conduct that acknowledges all of my flaws and my gifts. I know it starts by pushing me towards doing the things that make me happy. It seems nonsensical that I would do otherwise but unfortunately it is not my habit (I think depression destroys the connection between your soul and your body). It's really hard to start doing things again. It's terrifying actually - it means leaving myself open to fate, which for so many years dictated disappointment. But I'm ready, I want it enough.

The Moon: Free Images